It Is Helpful to Be Aware of These Things When Raising Children

When raising our children, we tend to give them constant advice and tell them what they should and should not do. Yet children often do not simply follow what we tell them. They observe us and choose, from what they observe, what aligns with their own personality and priorities. Children do not merely listen to us; they observe us. They take mental snapshots of what they see, store them, and often reproduce what we do, rather than what we say.

Let us observe ourselves. Let us pay attention to what we do, what we say, and how we respond to different situations. Let us become aware of our own behavior. Children record everything.

Do you want to be a good parent? First, make time for yourself. Taking time for yourself and feeling good about yourself will also have a positive effect on your child. Do not put yourself under pressure trying to become the person others expect you to be. There is no such thing as a perfect ideal.

How do you want to be? When do you feel peaceful and authentic? These questions are more important. They can help you feel better and contribute to a more positive atmosphere at home. Instead of constantly rushing around in tension and feeling unhappy, allow yourself moments of happiness and take care of yourself. This will positively change the atmosphere in your home as well.

Do not wear yourself and your family down by pursuing goals that are beyond your reach. Who you are while raising your child matters greatly. Accept yourself as you are. Being aware of your behaviors, recognizing both the aspects of yourself you consider positive and those you would like to improve, and remaining open to development are all essential.

We should also remember that children need real-life experiences. Our child may be excellent at solving mathematical problems or exceptionally skilled at understanding and repairing computers. But how do they function in real life? What does our child do in the three-dimensional world—not the virtual world, nor the two-dimensional world of papers, tests, and academic work?

This is what we should pay attention to.

We must not forget the importance of adapting to real life, being able to coexist with others in social contexts, and developing healthy social relationships with people of different ages and backgrounds. Our primary goal should not be to raise children who outperform everyone else or become highly successful “racehorses.” Rather, we should aim to raise children who understand what real life is, participate in it, and are able to enjoy and engage with it.

If we repeatedly send our child the message, “You don't know; you can't do it; you can't find the right answer; you can't succeed on your own—let me think for you, decide for you, and solve the problem for you,” we may raise children who cannot truly become independent adults, even when they grow up, and who remain dependent on their families.

We may end up raising individuals who think, “I can't do it. Let someone else do it. Let someone else decide.”

While we believe we are helping our children, sometimes the reality is that we are the ones who need help—those of us who are afraid of being alone, who try to be everything for everyone.

Expecting our children to be like us, imagining that they will share our way of thinking and our expectations, or wanting them to achieve what is important to us and live out our dreams inevitably leads to disappointment.

The truth is that our children are not us. They are separate individuals with their own identities.

Our fundamental responsibility is to guide them, provide direction, and give them unconditional love.

Guiding a child does not mean constantly saying, “Study,” repeating the same instructions, giving orders, or nagging them. Especially during adolescence, no matter how much you say, they may not listen to you.

True guidance means offering choices, creating opportunities for them to consider possibilities, and allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions.

When guidance is healthy, choices are more likely to be healthy as well. But if there is no genuine guidance—only commands, complaints, and angry statements—if the options are not clearly presented, or if they are technically called “options” but the child cannot truly choose among them, then healthy and rational decision-making becomes difficult.

If a child cannot carefully evaluate alternatives, discuss them with you, or feels afraid that you will become angry, they may instead choose escape strategies: avoiding the situation, distancing themselves from the parent, trying not to be criticized, or simply pretending to have done what was expected.

These are not healthy choices; they can negatively affect the child and their development.

Unconditional love means loving a child not because of what they have achieved, what they may achieve, or how they behave, but simply because they are who they are. A child who believes they must do something in order to receive love will never fully experience the security of genuine love.

Above all, we need to make our children feel that we love them under all circumstances, that we stand behind them wholeheartedly, and that we support them in their choices.

There is one more important point: Children do not observe only us. They observe the entire world.

What they watch on television, their friends, their teachers, the videos they see, and the expectations created by the era and social environment in which they grow—all of these influence their development. We are not the only ones shaping our children.

Therefore, trying to control everything can itself become a problem. It exhausts both us and the people around us.

A loving atmosphere at home is important for raising a child in a healthy way, but we cannot say that it alone will solve everything. There are many factors in a child's environment that influence their development.

You cannot control everything. Therefore, you cannot guarantee that everything will always happen exactly as you want it to.

What we can do—and what we are responsible for—is to try to do the best we can with what is within our control.

(Published on the “Gelişimin Gücü” Blogspot, March 24, 2019.)