When Reassessing Your Marriage

We can all observe that divorce rates have increased in recent years. Just as the decision to enter into a marriage is a serious one, the decision to end one is equally serious. It is a decision that should be carefully considered from every angle and should not be made in a moment of anger. Among the mothers I have spoken with, the number of those who mention divorce or who have divorced following a hasty decision is unfortunately not insignificant. For this reason, I am addressing this subject in this week's article.

First, let us define marriage and its functions, and therefore consider what we can reasonably expect from marriage. Marriage is the legal and social recognition of the union between two people. It is a social status and a home in which future generations can be raised.

Marriage is a multifaceted institution that meets people's emotional needs, such as loving and being loved, as well as their social, psychological, productive, physical, and financial needs. Even when one spouse does not work outside the home, contributions such as cooking and cleaning constitute significant economic support. If these services had to be purchased continuously, they could create a substantial financial burden.

Even in marriages where spouses acknowledge the existence of certain problems, it is undeniable that at least some of these needs are being met.

There are certainly circumstances in which divorce is an unavoidable option. At the same time, it is also true that some marriages end as a result of impulsive behavior, momentary anger, or statements that are later perceived as impossible to take back. Problems are often magnified, and one partner may become overwhelmed by excessive expectations.

In this context, let us also consider what marriage is not.

Marriage is not an extended vacation or a permanent dating period. It should not be viewed as a honeymoon that lasts a lifetime, nor should we expect a constant state of happiness and pleasure. There will inevitably be ups and downs.

We cannot build a marriage solely around momentary pleasures or the need to be constantly praised and validated. Marriage requires responsibility. At times, spouses need to make sacrifices in different proportions depending on the circumstances. It requires a certain degree of order and is a social institution in which the families and relatives of both spouses also have a place.

Why is having a certain degree of order important?

A person who has structure in their life can generally be more productive in their work, in raising children, and in other activities. Otherwise, much of their energy may be spent simply trying to establish order or navigating an unpredictable and disorganized lifestyle. Marriage involves creating a shared structure, which is why establishing a healthy routine within a marriage is important.

Along with an organized life, many of the needs mentioned above are also met within marriage. Therefore, when the thought of ending a marriage arises, rather than making an impulsive decision in anger or repeatedly making statements to the other person that prepare them for the possibility of divorce, it is worth sitting down and carefully considering the situation from every angle.

We should analyze what we may encounter if the marriage ends. We should recognize that the person who leaves their spouse is not necessarily walking into a paradise. Many challenges may have to be faced alone, and if there are children, the situation can become considerably more complex.

Whatever the final decision may be, it should be made consciously and with awareness.

If the decision is to continue the marriage, then it is worth considering what small measures could create a more peaceful environment and how small adjustments might make the relationship more satisfying and sustainable.

Parents who have children of marriageable age and wish for their children to marry should also consider whether their children are actually ready for marriage.

The social, emotional, psychological, and other needs described above must also be perceived as meaningful needs by the person being encouraged to marry. If their current priorities are simply traveling, having fun, and enjoying themselves, then even if marriage offers these other needs in a highly satisfying way, it may not mean much to them.

For this reason, putting pressure on young people who are not ready for marriage can be problematic. These needs need to be meaningful to both partners. If their current needs are simply having tea or coffee with friends, going on vacation, or spending enjoyable time together, these are often short-term needs that can also be met through friendships and other social relationships.

Being ready matters when making the decision to marry because marriage is a project intended to last a lifetime. Likewise, the decision to end a marriage is also a very serious one.

If the decision has already been made internally, the message will eventually reach the other person even if it is never explicitly spoken. Therefore, even when such thoughts begin to arise, we should examine the cause-and-effect relationships carefully and evaluate the situation accurately.

Let us not forget:

Our behaviors are influenced by our emotions.
Our emotions are influenced by our thoughts.
And our thoughts are often the stories we tell ourselves.

Sometimes, however, those stories may not accurately reflect an objective reality.

(Published on the “Gelişimin Gücü” Blogspot, April 10, 2019.)