Why Do People Feel Anxious and Suffer…?

People experience anxiety and suffering for many different reasons. Those without money may worry because they lack financial resources, while wealthy people may worry about risks and other responsibilities. Those without education may suffer because they did not have access to a good education, while those who are educated may experience stress and pressure because of the responsibilities they must fulfill. Those who cannot reach the top may worry because they feel they are falling behind, while those at the top may worry because remaining there is difficult. Single people may worry because they have not married, while married people may worry about the weight of marital responsibilities. Those without children may long for a child, while those with children may worry about their children’s future.

In other words, people experience anxiety and suffering for different reasons. But why do people experience anxiety and suffer? They suffer because they do not know how to cope with what they encounter. Regardless of how they manifest, anxiety and the accompanying feelings of helplessness can be signs that a person has not developed the skills necessary to cope with the responsibilities of daily life or has become alienated from their authentic self. However, if we remain open to growth and change and try to approach situations from different perspectives, we can develop our ability to cope with many different circumstances.

Change must begin with us. Waiting for our environment to change is unlikely to be effective. Imagine looking in a mirror but disliking the appearance of the pimples you have squeezed until they have become wounds. Would painting the mirror the same color as the wounds so that the pimples are less noticeable, painting the mirror white with oil paint, removing the mirror and throwing it away, or simply avoiding looking at the mirror solve the problem?

The depth of our distress, anxiety, or pain can make us feel helpless in the face of problems. Sometimes, we feel so distressed that we begin to believe that certain things are owed to us. Although this can arise from two seemingly opposite ways of thinking, both ultimately lead to the same conclusion:

“I am unfortunate, while everyone around me is much better off than I am, so they should treat me differently.”

“I am very special, while the people around me are quite ordinary compared with me, so they should treat me differently.”

For some people, this way of thinking may fluctuate. Depending on the events they experience, the circumstances they encounter, and various other factors, they may move back and forth between the first and second patterns of thinking. Ultimately, however, the second half of both statements remains the same: “They should treat me differently.”

Children who are excessively praised during childhood and develop an unnecessarily inflated sense of self-confidence may carry this second pattern of thinking into adulthood. They may believe they are achieving things when, in reality, they are producing very little, seek support from those around them even for the smallest tasks while behaving as though they are doing everything themselves, and genuinely believe this to be the case.

Another reason we suffer is that we believe we are valuable only when we receive attention, are more successful than those around us, or possess more than others—in other words, when we rank higher according to certain criteria. At the same time, this means categorizing many people around us as “less valuable.” In other words, we may try to make ourselves, our children, our spouses, and other loved ones feel valuable through constant criticism. In doing so, we make both our own lives and the lives of those we love more difficult.

When we feel distressed, we should first ask ourselves the following questions:

• How am I feeling?

• What exactly am I feeling?

• Why might I be feeling this way? What may have caused me to feel this way?

• What assumption of mine might be supporting the way I feel?

Let us imagine that we answer these questions as follows: I feel distressed. I feel anger and sadness caused by that anger. Spending most of my time at home caring for my children and not having as much time for myself as I used to may be contributing to the way I feel. The assumption supporting this feeling may be that “a person is valuable only if they value themselves, and a person who values themselves is someone who makes time for themselves.” This assumption makes me feel worthless.

We can then ask ourselves: “Could this assumption really be true? Does this assumption contribute anything positive to my life?”

We should understand that an assumption that may be valid for another person may not be valid for us. Similarly, an assumption that may have been valid for us under normal circumstances or in the past may no longer apply in a particular situation—such as having a new baby—or under our current circumstances. Therefore, it is useful to establish realistic criteria when evaluating ourselves. Comparing ourselves with our past or with other people will never be a solution; on the contrary, it is likely to increase our distress.

Constantly focusing on being happy, getting what we want, achieving material success such as career advancement or wealth, pursuing pleasure, always being right, trying to ignore negative situations by pretending they do not exist—which may cause problems to grow in the future—or constantly noticing and highlighting negative circumstances can all make life more difficult.

Imagine that we place great importance on always being the center of attention, being happy, or being loved by everyone. Since these things are difficult to achieve consistently and often depend on factors beyond our control, we will inevitably experience anxiety related to external circumstances. On the other hand, if we place importance on being self-reliant and helping others when we are able to offer support, these are things that are much more within our control and are therefore less likely to generate anxiety.

So, what is the right approach? The right approach is to strive for continuous growth. We should not search for absolute, definitive, and unchangeable answers to everything, because as long as we continue to grow, the answers we arrive at will also change.

Rather than maintaining a rigid and restrictive concept of self defined by constant achievement and an expectation of being special, embracing ordinary and realistic expectations can set us free. Constantly trying to fit ourselves into narrow definitions and putting pressure on ourselves in order to gain approval and value from others makes it more difficult to cope with life.

What matters is recognizing what we have in our lives right now and thinking about how we can make the most effective use of it. A “self” burdened by pressure and restrictions becomes a tense and unhappy self. What we truly need is to become peaceful people who can find joy in noticing a flower blooming on the balcony, form a bond with an animal, enjoy and share even simple things we create—such as a cake or a recipe—and share what we have with others out of unconditional love.

The more demanding we make our standards, the more our tension increases. The pressure we place on ourselves to impress others eventually returns to us as stress, often without our even realizing it. We need to observe ourselves carefully, ask ourselves the right questions, seek honest answers, and recognize the unnecessary pressures we place on ourselves so that we can find ways to reduce them.

The presence of adults who are able to achieve this is a tremendous gift to the new generations who learn from them.

References

Burns, D. D. (1999). Feeling Good. USA: Avon Books.

Gençtan, E. (2016). İnsan Olmak (14th ed.). İstanbul: Metis.

Manson, M. (2018). Ustalık Gerektiren Kafaya Takmama Sanatı. İstanbul: Butik Yayınları.

Sull, D., & Eisenhardt, K. M. (2015). Simple Rules. UK: John Murray.

(Published on the “Gelişimin Gücü” Blogspot, March 16, 2019.)